finshed eating 11 tangerines in a row.
you know? i dont know.
You know, i have been out of contact with human for so long. The people i talk to, when i am not talking to my mum on the phone, are only strangers. People i meet on the tube station, people who give out newspapers on the street, people i give my seat up to on the tube, people i help carry their heavy luggages up or down the stairs, university interviews, people i meet on the road to ask for directions.
My human contact are only limited to these people.
Now, i totally,TOTALLY forgot how to interact with people. I find myself holding intelligent conversations with people. I cant hold people's gaze. I dunno how to react appropiately and i dont know how to get out of awkward situations. I find even trying to give people compliments difficult, a few times i said it in such a way it became very belittling to the person i was trying to commend.
I even find tremendous difficulty trying to express myself in words, and a lot of times i cannot complete a sentence without pausing or repeating words. The past few months, i noticed myself starting to stutter and stammer when i talk.
Its getting very difficult to try to produce the effect i intended to make when i talk. i told my mum several time " Ma, i think i need to go (for) english classes"
I doubt it would help.
I find myself getting quite jealous when i see friends getting in groups, having a nice time, being spontaneous, and basically... just interacting. I don't know how to do that. As in literally, I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO THAT.
I think i am too conservative? Not confident enough? I am very afraid of people judging me too, it's a natural thing for people to do when they meet people even if what they think of the person is not really what the person is like, first impressions and all that. It's natural. So to those people who keep saying"Don't judge me" or " I hate being Judged" or something to that effect. Change that line. You will find life is not like trying to run through honey.
Forgetting how to talk and interact doesnt mean i forget how to read people's body language. I find i am generally quite good at reading people's body language. But it also doesnt mean i know how to respond to it. This is one thing, if anything, that would be the one to fail me during my university interviews.
When i go back to singapore during my holidays, i know my friends are thinking,"why aint he calling me? why doesnt he want to meet up?" "Why meet up once only?"
Now i will tell you why. I'm actually scared. WEird, you think, feeling scared to meet up with friends? i tell you, yes, i am scared. I am scared i muck things up. It is because i like my friends too much i think. I'm afraid i would just screw things up and they might think bad of me etc. I tell you, i love making friends, but i am scared of myself. TO ALL MY FRIENDS OUT THERE> SORRY FOR NOT BEING A NOT GOOD ENOUGH PERSON.
and thank you for being my friend.
..............................................................................
I just had a very intense interview week. I had Bart's and The London, Queen Mary's medical interview on monday, and the Imperial College one yesterday.
I really REALLY want to get into imperial College. REally want to.
But i messed up. Not just messed up, but messed up real bad.
I was too tense... so tensed i let myself get thrown off balance by the first question the interviewers asked me :" will you replace a GP consultation with a Webcam one"
They are testing flexibility and breadth of thought. I know i have it, i just let my mind get blocked. Allowed my mind to block.Like that. The small voice in my brain just refused to talk to me.
Subsequently, i couldnt recover for the next few questions. And the interview was disastrous. I could , literally, feel the interviewers cringe when i gave me answers.
I cant get things i want. That adds to another reason why i am afraid of myself. My mind can be so strong sometimes, in a bad way.
I just feel really really REALLY bad. Why? It's obvious: One, i cannot get into the University i want to. Secondly, i am such a powerful enemy to myself i dunno what to do in future.
Lastly, because i feel really really guilty for letting my parents down. We spent so much time, money, effort, sleepless nights, trouble, preparing and trying to get the university interviews. I mean YEARS of effort, arranging community services, attachments, teaching etc...And i just screwed it up
right at the end when we are at the last, the very very last barrier.
I want to thank my parents who helped, supported me and being patient,even though i was the most repulsive person on the phone, constant bad moods and using a dull bored monotonous voice all the time.
I'm an idiot, i know.
To those who have read until the very end of this post, I want to thank you very much.
